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Breathless.....A Loss Remembered.

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It was just a flash, out of the corner of my eye, 
as they walked passed the end of the aisle at Target yesterday.
A mother and daughter, arms casually entwined, sharing a laugh.

A beat and then a flood of recognition.....
I knew that mother ten years ago. 


A group of girlfriends, a shopping trip out of town, 
and we were both 10 weeks pregnant. 

We spent an hour trying on clothing for our expanding waistlines that day. 
It was my first pregnancy and her second. 
Her marriage was shaky and she had mixed emotions.

I was 41, the vasectomy reversal was successful, and I was finally pregnant for the first time.
I was beyond thrilled!

For me
Deliriously happy.....
Sparkling days.......
Breathless.

We had all agreed to meet up for lunch at Nordstrom on that shopping day.
Paper shopping bags were unwrapped on command and new fashions, for the new chapter of life, 
were shared with happy and congratulatory girlfriends. 

A quick trip to the restroom before the drive home.

Spotting.........

"It's normal right? 
Don't worry....it happened to a friend and her baby was fine.".

Worry......
Hope and pray......
a tiny tear shed in the dark on the drive back home.


"Drink all the water you are able.".
A shadowy examination room and the 
kind technician smooths cold gel on my belly.
Watching her smile
for any flickering sign of concern.....
10 1/2 weeks pregnant.

No heartbeat........I'm sorry.

I can't get my breath.


Ten years later, seeing the lovely mother and her daughter, 
I'm sure she is certain this was her path. I believe her marriage survived the rocky times.

I am reminded of the hopefulness and joy of that chapter of life.
I remember the life that was lost, the dreams that died, and the
different path my life has taken by not becoming the mother I always dreamed of being.

New dreams have been created out of necessity.
New paths have been carved to enrich life in different ways.
It's the only way....
but there are moments when we remember.


In bed last night, he pulls me close.  
I don't want him to feel my falling tears.....
but he does.

  Somehow he just knew......
just like he always does.
Breathless......



 It's been so many years but the grief just sneaks up on you.
Do you sometimes feel it too?


Hugs today,
Images 1/2/3/4

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